How to Have That Difficult Conversation Read online

  When his wife entered my office, I thought I was looking at the wrong woman. She was petite and soft-spoken — no scales and wings to be found. This wasn’t to say that she didn’t have an anger problem. He was right about that, and we did deal with it. But the more honest he became and the less he avoided confrontation, the less he saw her as a terrifying dragon. Good confrontations bring reality into the picture.

  AVOIDING BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM

  An old saying from the 1960s goes something like this: If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. There is a lot of truth to this in relationships. Not only are there clear benefits to having that talk, but there is also a responsibility to confront. Even though you may be in a relationship with a person who has a severe problem or behavior, you may be helping the problem continue and hindering the solution.

  When modern psychiatric and psychological researchers began studying addictions, they realized that most of the time, the addict does not live in a vacuum. Instead, he lives in a system of relationships, some of which serve to enable his behavior; that is, someone unwittingly tries to keep the addict from the consequences and effects of his addiction. In an attempt to help, the enabler instead rescues the addict from the discomfort that would drive him to face and solve his problem. As the enabling person becomes aware of this and allows the addict to feel his pain, good things begin to happen.

  For thousands of years the Bible has named these realities. For example, see what God says about dealing with a rageaholic: “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19). Many people have experienced the frustration of finding the problem coming back the day after the rescue.

  The Bible teaches that we have a duty to warn each other, that we are part of God’s means of helping one another stay in the path of growth. It goes further than that, however. Not only should we warn each other, but if we avoid doing so, we must bear some responsibility for this as well:

  “When I say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself” (Ezek. 3:18 – 19).

  Sobering words, but profoundly clear. When you confront a person the right way, she always has a choice, and she may ignore your warning. Sad as that might be, you will still know that you have done what you could and that you have not participated in that person’s self-destruction.

  Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge. As a youth, I was a Boy Scout. Scouting was a big part of my life, and Troop 4 was a very active troop, with lots of camping and activities. During the latter years of my scouting experience, I was in my teens and getting close to earning my Eagle rank. As a teen, however, I was also experimenting with becoming an individual, which involved some rebellious attitudes. During one weekend campout, when we were putting up our tents, I used some pretty rough language to make my buddies laugh. It was the wrong time to do this, as our scoutmaster, Mr. DeKeyser — whom we called “DK” — was walking by.

  DK pulled me aside, looked at me, and quietly said, “You’re too close. Don’t mess up.”

  That was all it took.

  DK’s six words were enough. I knew what he meant. He knew I knew. No more was needed. He never brought it up again. From then on, I curbed my tongue — as much as a teenager can anyway — and stayed pretty much on track until I got the Eagle.

  Six words were enough. I knew what he meant. He knew I knew.

  Now, this wasn’t about me being on drugs, being violent, or ditching school. My language wasn’t a huge thing as problems go, but at the same time, it’s very possible that eventually it could have been, had not DK said those six words to me. He helped me become aware of what I was doing and its possible effects. And he did it right: He was on my side, he was direct and noncondemning, and he let it go to see how I would handle it. I have always been grateful to DK for the little nudge of correction that helped keep me on the right path.

  OUR OTHER MOTIVES

  As you have read these benefits of confrontation, we hope you are more motivated than ever to learn the skills. At the same time, be aware of any darker motives you may feel about confronting someone, such as wanting to fix or change the person, or to punish and get revenge. Let those motives go, and stay on the higher road.

  In the next section we will deal with the specific elements of all good confrontations.

  PART II

  The ESSENTIALS of a GOOD CONVERSATION

  3

  Be Emotionally Present

  Being emotionally present and connected while we are confronting another person is the first essential of a good conversation. It truly requires a work of grace in us.

  Being present refers to being in touch and in tune with our own feelings as well as those of the other person. This is an important skill, because when we are “there” — that is, emotionally present — we are available to the other person. He is not shut off from us while we are telling him a difficult reality about himself and the relationship. It is hard for anyone to absorb a confrontation. Presence and connection help to make it tolerable.

  A boundary conversation is very difficult because it feels unnatural — and it is unnatural, in that the natural person within us does not think this way. On our own, we seek to protect ourselves from discomfort because we are “weak in [our] natural selves” (Rom. 6:19). We don’t want to be vulnerable and emotional in a confrontation, as we might be hurt. That is why we need grace for this essential.

  Also, when you are present and connected to the other person, you are doing something very important for the relationship: You are providing what you are requesting. You want the other person to be “there” with you. This is why you are confronting a problem in the first place; the issue has caused a rift in emotional presence. In the same way that God takes initiative to reach out to his alienated children, you are being with the person who is not with you. Because you have taken the first step, this helps him be emotionally present with you.

  Here are ways to help you “be there” in your boundary conversation.

  Be Warm

  Remember that although confrontations can be uncomfortable, this does not mean you need to be angry, detached, or distant from the other person. As much as you are able, be warm and available to him. What you say is highly colored by how you are with the person. If you are warm, he is much more likely to receive what you have to say. If you are not present, he can’t be sure of your intent, motives, or your heart, and you run the risk of failure.

  If you think you are too afraid to be present, don’t have the talk yet. Take those feelings somewhere else before you get into the conversation and deal with them in a safe context. Better to do that than to come across as cold and distant.

  Be in a Conversation, Not a Lecture

  Being present also means allowing the other person to respond. You have a side to present, and so probably does she. Be there with her feelings as well as your own. Listen to her heart even when you don’t agree with her stance.

  In extreme circumstances the talk may be not a conversation, but an announcement, as in a formal intervention, for example. But even if you are doing an intervention, the more present you can be, the better your chances are of being received.

  Connect Even with Differences

  Staying present means being “there” not only when you agree with each other, but also when you disagree, when there is tension, and when you are confronting. We tend to connect when people are on our side and draw back when they are not. However, as much as possible, be safe enough to be present with the person even when he resists or gets angry.

  Discomfort versus Injury

  We need to be willing to suffer discomfort — to a point. The limit here is the limit of injury. If you get in a bad situation with a person who can truly injure you because of where you are emotionally, or because of how powerful an influence she currently is with you, you will need to guard your heart (Prov. 4:23) to avoid having wounds that would set your spiritual growth back. Sometimes you may need to not let the person in too deeply, or even end the conversation until a better time to protect yourself. At the same time, if the talk is more discomforting than injurious, you may want to press on toward reconciliation.

  Observe Yourself

  Be aware of how present or absent you are in the talk. Monitor what makes you shut down and what makes you open up. When you are aware of yourself, you have more choices and options available. I remember one boundary conversation I was having with a friend. I thought I was pretty present until he said, “Look at your arms.” I looked down, and I had wrapped my arms around myself protectively. Some presence! That made for a more interesting talk that day.

  4

  Be Clear about “You” and “I”

  Any good confrontation takes into account that two people are involved. This sounds obvious, but it really isn’t, and it is an essential part of an effective boundary conversation.

  One reason you have a problem in the first place is that you and the person you want to confront are not of one mind; you aren’t the same person. You don’t see things the same way nor feel the same way, and you have different ideas on what to do about it. This is not a bad thing, in and of itself. The differences between you can help both of you grow and enjoy life.

  The problem arises when you don’t clearly distinguish your feelings and opinions from the other person’s, especially when having the talk. The process of problem solving and reconciliation can quickly get bogged down. You see this when people say things like “You need to change this” rather than “I need for you to change this.” There is an “I” who has a desire and a request, and there is a “you” who is being asked to change something. That is clear.

  A friend of mine had great difficulty with this issue in her marriage. When she was tired of cooking and wanted to go out to dinner, she would say to her husband, “You haven’t taken us out for a while,” or, “You probably need a night out to dinner.” Her husband was suspicious of these sorts of statements, because he would feel blamed or manipulated. When she said instead, “I don’t want to cook tonight, and I would like to go out to dinner,” she clarified whose desire it was to go out to dinner, and he responded much better.

  If you are not clear about “you” and “I” in your confrontation, the other person may feel controlled by you, you may assume feelings he doesn’t have, or he may balk at whatever you want. Here are some suggestions to clarify your communication.

  Look at It Empathically

  Reflect on how you don’t like it when people try to put their words in your mouth. Think about how you disconnect from another person when she tells you what you are feeling when it is really what she wants you to feel. Reflecting on your own experience will give you empathy for the other person’s situation and will help you be clearer about your own opinions and emotions. Remember that even though confronting is hard, so is receiving a confrontation. Therefore allow the other person the grace to have her own responses to your opinions.

  Be Clear in Your Own Mind

  The more clear you are ahead of time about what you want in this relationship and what you are asking the other person to do, the better things will go. Write out, or talk through with a friend, exactly what the “I” and “you” parts are. Then, when it is time for the conversation, you will have a road map in your head for what you want. I have seen many breakdowns happen when the person being confronted says, “So what do you really want?” and the confronter gets flustered. Have a specific answer for that question before you begin the conversation.

  Speak from Your Need, Not His

  Tell the other person, “I really need more commitment from you in our dating, or I don’t think I can move forward.” This is much better than “You need to be more committed to me.” He may not experience that need, and he is likely to resent you for telling him what he needs. Speaking from your own need helps you avoid being seen as the “parent” in the relationship, a position that never helps.

  When people say, “We need to talk,” for example, they are confusing their wishes with those of the other person. It’s much better to say, “I need to talk to you.”

  Deal with Any Fears of Separateness

  Often, a person who avoids clearly saying “I need” and “I want” has a problem with experiencing herself as a separate person, with her own set of values, desires, dreams, and feelings. Saying what she needs and wants makes her feel very isolated and alone; her difficulty in expressing wants and needs indicates that she is not comfortable with being an individual.

  If this is your situation, get some help from knowledgeable people on how to become more established in your own identity, so that you are not so afraid. (Our book Boundaries is a good resource for this process.)

  Be Humble

  You have no control over the person you are confronting. More than that, you are asking for something you need from him. This is a humble position, and it helps to accept it. Saying “I want” and “I need” is a way of letting the other person know that he is important to you, that you do need him, and that you are aware he might see things differently. While this is not a very comfortable position, it’s the best position, because the other person knows he is free to choose and he is not controlled by you. The Bible refers to God’s attitude toward this: “You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty” (Ps. 18:27).

  As much as possible, stay away from the “we need to” and “you need to” traps. Speak from your own experience, your own heart, and your own needs. This increases the likelihood that your side will be heard, because it has been clearly identified as your side. No one likes to be told who he is or what he should think.

  5

  Clarify the Problem

  In the previous chapter we urged you to be clear about what is yours and what is the other person’s. Now we encourage you to be clear about the nature of your problem with the other person. Many people run into logjams when they attempt to confront, because they are not clear about the problem. Their inability to focus on the problem itself can end up in confusion, distance, alienation, and lack of resolution.

  Don’t lose focus and end up going over a whole list of offenses that overwhelms the person being confronted. Don’t start with “It seems you don’t pick up after yourself as regularly as you should” and end up with “What about the time you forgot the kids at the mall last year?” You may have so many unconfessed issues with the other person that in the momentum of the conversation, you bring up everything else you have a problem with. Holding problems inside in an isolated fashion makes this worse. In these cases, unburden yourself with some friends who can empathize with you and help you think through and process these problems. Then you can settle on the one subject you want to deal with in the problem relationship.

  Let us look at the three important elements of the problem itself and what you would like to see happen.

  Clarify the Nature of the Problem

  Be clear and focused as to what the problem is really about. Make the issue as understandable as possible to the other person. You want to have your terms clear between you so that you are both on the same page and can work toward resolution together. Furthermore, the other person may be unaware of the problem, so you need to shoulder the responsibility of stating the problem clearly.

  This step may have more than one level to it. For example, a husband might say to his mother, “Mom, I’ve noticed that you are pretty critical of Laurie’s cooking and parenting. You put her down a couple of times in front of everyone at the party last week. I don’t know what this is about, but it seems you are seldom pleased with how she does things.” Notice the two levels: the specifics, and then an observation about the nature of the specifics. This gives the other person clear information about what you are concerned about.

  Clarify the Effects of the Problem

  Include not only the facts and realities about the problem, but also what it does to you and the relationship. Obviously, it must affect you at some important level or you would not be bringing it up. It helps to talk about the effects for two reasons. First, the other person might not be aware of what he is doing to you, and becoming aware often helps him see how important the issue is. Second, talking about the effects lets him know that he is not being judged and criticized as an imperfect project you are working on, but that his behavior is hurting you.

  The husband talking to his mother might say, “Laurie gets discouraged, because she knocks herself out for you. The kids are confused about why you are so mean to Mom. Dad is embarrassed because he feels caught in the middle. And you and I get disconnected, because even though I love you, Laurie is my wife, and she’s getting hurt. So it makes things worse for me, you, and all of us.”

  Clarify Your Desire for Change

  Avoid the mistake of stopping with the negative aspects of the problem. Doing that can make the person feel as though she just got dumped on, with no way to resolve the problem, or feel that there is no way to please you, that you are insatiably critical. Instead, let her know what you would like to see that would change the situation and solve the problem. This gives her hope, a structure, and a chance to do something to make the relationship better.

  In our example, the husband might say, “Here’s what I would like you to do. If it’s a small matter, drop it. I don’t bring up little things you do. If it’s a big thing, pull Laurie aside quietly and tell her your concerns. She is very open to constructive feedback. And finally, notice the good things she does, and talk about them in front of everyone. I would really appreciate it. It would bring me closer to you, and I think the whole family would be happier.”