How to Have That Difficult Conversation Read online

  Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

  Books

  Boundaries (and workbook)

  Boundaries in Dating (and workbook)

  Boundaries in Marriage (and workbook)

  Boundaries with Kids (and workbook)

  Boundaries with Teens (Townsend)

  Changes That Heal (and workbook) (Cloud)

  Hiding from Love (Townsend)

  How People Grow (and workbook)

  How to Have That Difficult Conversation

  Making Small Groups Work

  Our Mothers, Ourselves (and workbook)

  Raising Great Kids

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers

  Safe People (and workbook)

  12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy

  Video Curriculum

  Boundaries

  Boundaries in Dating

  Boundaries in Marriage

  Boundaries with Kids

  Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers

  ReGroup (with Bill Donahue)

  Audio

  Boundaries

  Boundaries in Dating

  Boundaries in Marriage

  Boundaries with Kids

  Boundaries with Teens (Townsend)

  Changes That Heal (Cloud)

  How People Grow

  How to Have That Difficult Conversation

  Making Small Groups Work

  Our Mothers, Ourselves

  Raising Great Kids

  ZONDERVAN

  How to Have That Difficult Conversation

  Copyright © 2003, 2005 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

  Previously published as: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding

  Requests for information should be addressed to:

  Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

  Zondervan titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email [email protected].

  ISBN 978-0-310-34256-4 (softcover)

  ISBN 978-0-310-27437-7 (audio)

  ISBN 978-0-310-34380-6 (ebook)

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Cloud, Henry.

  [Boundaries face to face]

  How to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding : with your spouse, your adult child, your boss, your coworker, your best friend, your parent, someone you’re dating / Henry Cloud and John Townsend. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  Originally published: Boundaries face to face. Grand Rapids, Mich. : Zondervan, c2003. With discussion guide.

  ISBN 978-0-310-26714-0

  I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952– II. Title.

  BV4597.53.C58C59 2006

  158.2 — dc22

  2005027779

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The "NIV" and "New International Version" are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.® Italics in Scripture quotations are added by the authors for emphasis.

  Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, © Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org).

  Any internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

  Published in association with Yates & Yates, www.yates2.com.

  Interior design: Beth Shagene

  To all those who seek to make truthful conversations a central part of all their relationships.

  Acknowledgments

  Sealy Yates, our agent, for his own commitment to truth and love.

  Scott Bolinder, our publisher, for supporting and partnering with us in this work.

  Sandy Vander Zicht, our editor, for her expertise and her genuine care about seeing people grow and mature.

  Maureen Price, director of Cloud-Townsend Resources, for her appreciation for the value of boundaries face-to-face.

  Denis Beausejour, director of Answers for Life, for his vision and commitment to the process of helping others find Christ and experience the life Christ designed.

  The attendees of Monday Night Solutions in Irvine, California, for their faithfulness in seeking God and helping us develop the concepts that ended up in this book.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title

  Copyright

  Acknowledgments

  Confident Confrontations

  PART I

  WHY YOU NEED TO HAVE THAT DIFFICULT CONVERSATION 1 The Talk Can Change Your Life

  2 The Benefits of a Good Conversation

  PART II

  THE ESSENTIALS OF A GOOD CONVERSATION 3 Be Emotionally Present

  4 Be Clear about “You” and “I”

  5 Clarify the Problem

  6 Balance Grace and Truth

  7 Stay on Task

  8 Use the Formula, When You Do “A,” I Feel “B”

  9 Affirm and Validate

  10 Apologize for Your Part in the Problem

  11 Avoid “Shoulds”

  12 Be an Agent for Change

  13 Be Specific

  14 Differentiate between Forgiving and Trusting

  PART III

  SEEING HOW IT’S DONE 15 Telling People What You Want

  16 Making Someone Aware of a Problem

  17 Stopping a Behavior

  18 Dealing with Blame, Counterattack, and Other Problems

  PART IV

  GETTING YOURSELF READY TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION 19 Why You Need to Be Ready

  20 How to Get Ready

  PART V

  HAVING THE DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE 21 With Your Spouse

  22 With Someone You’re Dating

  23 With Your Child

  24 With Your Parent

  25 With Adult Children

  26 At Work

  27 With People in Authority

  Speaking the Truth in Love

  Small Group Discussion Guide

  Confident Confrontations

  We never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do. Although we knew through our clinical work that many people identify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had no idea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels the need for better boundaries at one time or another.

  Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relationship, such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who is irresponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figure out what demands of life to say no to so we won’t overextend ourselves. At still other times we need to work out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship, or take a stand for our values in a difficult one. Still other times, we might need to keep someone from
taking over more of our time, energy, and resources than we would like to give. There are many, many different contexts of life in which we need to exercise good boundaries. For people who care, setting those boundaries can be tough. So it really is no surprise that Boundaries has found such a ready audience.

  As a result of the book’s following, we find ourselves speaking to tens of thousands of people directly every year and literally millions through our radio program. When we talk to people, the theme of dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolving relational issues is always on the forefront of people’s minds.

  As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling people that they should have a direct conversation with the person with whom they have the problem. They repeatedly say either, “I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work,” or, “How would I do that?” Either they have tried and found themselves overpowered or outmaneuvered, or they just don’t know how to broach such a conversation. So we often tell them to role-play with us. We say, “You be him or her and I’ll be you. Now go.” When we show them how to have such a conversation, the lights go on for the first time. They often say things like “I never thought about saying it like that. That makes all the difference in the world. Now I know what to do.”

  Many people in the audience who observe the role-playing tell us the same thing. Just hearing how to do it gives them a process to follow, and they can go forward with more confidence that they will be able to resolve a tough issue.

  This book shows readers how to do that, how to have a “boundary conversation.” Most people know that they need to set boundaries with someone or have a difficult conversation with someone, but few know how to do it well. Some are so afraid, they never try; others try and fail dismally; still others do it in a way that does more harm than good. For that reason, people put off confronting, setting boundaries, or “facing into” difficult conversations. As a result, their relationships suffer.

  For many people, setting boundaries or confronting someone has gotten a bad rap. Yet, both the Bible and research show that confrontation is essential to success in all arenas of life. Successful people confront well. They make it a part of the ongoing texture of their relationships. They face issues in their relationships directly. In fact, the Latin word for confront means just that: to turn your face toward something or someone.

  We hope this book will return confrontation to its proper positive role in the language of love and relationship. We will show that setting boundaries, confronting, and having that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding is not adversarial, but one of the most loving things you can do. We will show that it is the only way to have the relationship you desire, whether in marriage, dating, friendship, family, or work. And if you learn to have those difficult conversations in a loving, honest, and responsible way, your relationships can become better than you ever thought they could.

  This book will show you the benefits and essentials of a good conversation, how to have that good conversation, how to prepare yourself before you have the conversation, and how to have it with the various people in your lives.

  Our prayer is that this book will guide you toward specific conversations in both your difficult and delightful relationships. This will be a “how-to” guide to help you know how to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding and, as a result, get more out of your relationships — and your life.

  PART I

  WHY YOU NEED to HAVE That DIFFICULT CONVERSATION

  1

  The Talk Can Change Your Life

  As we speak around the country at conferences on relationships, we will often hear some version of the following story.

  A man will come up and say, “Thanks for your materials on setting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and my marriage.”

  We will say, “Thank you, too. So what book did you read?”

  “I didn’t read a book,” the man will say. “My wife did!”

  He will go on to explain: “I was a crummy communicator with my wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I had no spiritual life to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and she started applying the principles. That’s when things started changing for both of us. It took some time and effort, but I’m really different now. We are closer, and we have more respect for each other and more freedom in the relationship. I’m doing a lot better with those bad habits, and I’m waking up to my relationship with God.”

  You would normally expect someone to talk about a book he has actually read. However, this man’s unexpected response illustrates a reality: The person who has the problem in a relationship often isn’t taking responsibility for his problem. This was bad news for the man’s wife. She wanted to see change, but he either didn’t see a problem, thought it wasn’t a big issue, or thought his wife was overreacting. This can leave the wife who cares for her husband feeling helpless, discouraged, and less able to feel love in her heart for him.

  YOU CAN CHANGE THE RELATIONSHIP ALONE

  But there is good news. Though the person with the problem may not be taking responsibility for, or “owning,” the problem, the person affected by the problem can change things. You may be the motivated one, the one who is concerned, sees the problem, and feels discomfort from it, whether it be a bad attitude or a bad behavior. In fact, you may be feeling more pain and discomfort than the other person. In our example, the wife, before confronting her husband, most likely had to deal with isolation, lack of freedom, his bad habits, and the emptiness of not having a spiritual partner.

  Things can change when the person experiencing the effects of the problem takes the initiative to resolve it. This wife took the first step. She became aware that her husband’s ways weren’t good for either of them and that nothing would change unless she did something herself.

  That first step is often a conversation, a talk, a face-to-face confrontation with the other person. It is a conversation in which the two people discuss the problem and what can be done about it. It is a talk of truth. That single conversation may be all that’s needed. But more likely, it will be the beginning of a series of conversations and events, as it was with the marriage in our example.

  Things can change when the person experiencing the effects of the problem takes the initiative to resolve it.

  We want to affirm and validate your decision to have “the conversation you have been avoiding.” How to have that conversation is the core need this book addresses. You need a caring yet honest and effective way to confront someone in your life. The Bible teaches — and research supports the idea — that you can develop the skills and tools to be able to confront well.

  WHAT IS A BOUNDARY?

  Before we go further, however, we need to define a term that will come up a lot in this book: boundary.

  Simply put, a boundary is your personal “property line.” It defines who you are, where you end, and where others begin. It refers to the truth, to reality, to what is. When you confront someone about a problem, you are setting a boundary. You can set a boundary with your words when you are honest and when you establish a consequence for another’s hurtful actions.

  Boundaries help define who we are in our relationships. When we know what we want and do not want, what we are for and against, what we love and hate, what is “me” and what is “not me,” we are setting boundaries. People with good boundaries are clear about their opinions, beliefs, and attitudes — in the way that Jesus taught: “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matt. 5:37). People without clear boundaries are unsure of their opinions, feelings, and beliefs. They find themselves easily controlled by the demands of others because they feel unsure of themselves when they need to take a stand.

  Boundaries also help protect us from injury and harm. By setting boundaries we can take responsibility for the lives and gifts God has given us: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”
(Prov. 4:23). Boundaries protect our values, feelings, time, energy, and attitudes. When a person says to another, “I want you to stop criticizing me in public,” he is setting a protective boundary.

  God himself has boundaries. He designed them and lives them out. He is clear on who he is, what he is for, and what he is against. He is for relationship, truth, love, and honesty, and he is against oppression, injustice, sin, and evil: “For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity” (Isa. 61:8). (For more information on boundaries, please refer to our books Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Dating.)

  In this book we deal with one specific aspect of boundaries: We tell you how to set them by having a helpful and effective “talk” with another person. We will sometimes refer to that confrontation as a boundary conversation, that is, a talk with someone in which you confront a problem you want to resolve with the person.

  HAVING “THE TALK”

  The last time someone said to you, “I need to talk to you,” how did that strike you? Did you think, Maybe she needs to tell me how much she appreciates me. More likely you thought, I’m in trouble. When we consider having “the talk” with someone, it may create much anxiety and throw up many red flags. It may signal conflict, criticism, and even the end of the relationship.

  Many of us live in two worlds when it comes to relationships. In one world we have friendly conversations in which we avoid all disagreements; in the other we have major conflict-type conversations that tear everybody and everything up. In the first world we have connection without truth, and in the second we have truth without connection.

  Many of us live in two worlds when it comes to relationships. In one we have connection without truth; in the other we have truth without connection.