Boundaries Updated and Expanded Read online

  I’ve been recommending Boundaries to friends, team members and radio listeners for more than twenty years. In fact, hardly a day goes by when I don’t use something that I learned from this book. The principles are timeless, and the updates in this version make Boundaries even more relevant to readers and their relationships.

  DAVE RAMSEY, BESTSELLING AUTHOR AND NATIONALLY SYNDICATED RADIO SHOW HOST

  Now updated and expanded, this classic book is more timely and relevant than ever for today’s “always on, always there” culture. If technology and social media are intruding on your life and relationships, learn from the boundaries experts how to protect yourself and the people you love. This life-changing book is still the go-to guide for healthy relationships, personal growth, and true freedom in Christ.

  ANDY STANLEY, PASTOR, AUTHOR, COMMUNICATOR, AND FOUNDER OF NORTH POINT MINISTRIES

  Of every book that I’ve read, Boundaries is the one I recommend most often. All of us can overcommit, become doormats, or find ourselves in codependent and dysfunctional relationships. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s one-of-a-kind book helps guide the reader through a change in mindset that eventually leads to a change in actions. If you know you have some unhealthy patterns in friendships, at work, in your schedule, with technology or your family, this book will help you establish the boundaries you need to create the life you are supposed to live.

  CRAIG GROESCHEL, PASTOR OF LIFE. CHURCH AND NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR

  Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend continue to break the boundaries of incredible revelation in their new and revised edition of Boundaries. As the senior pastor of a large church, this message has not only changed my life, but the lives of my staff and congregation. If you want to learn how to have healthier relationships, you need to read this book!

  ROBERT MORRIS, FOUNDING SENIOR PASTOR, GATEWAY CHURCH, DALLAS/FORT WORTH, TEXAS; BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE BLESSED LIFE, THE GOD I NEVER KNEW, TRULY FREE, AND FREQUENCY

  Also by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

  Boundaries

  Boundaries Workbook

  Boundaries audio

  Boundaries video curriculum

  Boundaries in Dating

  Boundaries in Dating Workbook

  Boundaries in Dating audio

  Boundaries in Dating curriculum

  Boundaries in Marriage

  Boundaries in Marriage Workbook

  Boundaries in Marriage audio

  Boundaries in Marriage curriculum

  Boundaries with Kids

  Boundaries with Kids Workbook

  Boundaries with Kids audio

  Boundaries with Kids curriculum

  How to Have That Difficult Conversation

  How People Grow

  How People Grow Workbook

  How People Grow audio

  Making Small Groups Work

  Making Small Groups Work audio

  Our Mothers, Ourselves

  Raising Great Kids

  Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children

  Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers

  Raising Great Kids Audio Pages® Safe People

  Safe People Workbook

  12 “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy

  Resources by Dr. John Townsend

  Hiding from Love

  Boundaries with Teens

  The Entitlement Cure

  Beyond Boundaries

  Resources by Dr. Henry Cloud

  Changes That Heal

  Changes That Heal Workbook

  Changes That Heal audio

  ZONDERVAN

  Boundaries

  Copyright © 1992, 2017 by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

  Requests for information should be addressed to:

  Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

  Zondervan titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please email Special [email protected].

  Epub Edition August 2017 ISBN 9780310350811

  ISBN 978-0-310-35023-1 (hardcover)

  ISBN 978-0-310-35180-1 (softcover)

  ISBN 978-0-310-35109-2 (audio)

  ISBN 978-0-310-35081-1 (ebook)

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

  Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version. Public domain.

  Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®. Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org).

  Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

  Scripture quotations marked NRSV are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible. Copyright © 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

  Any internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

  Since the case studies in this book are composites from Dr. Henry Cloud’s and Dr. John Townsend’s practices, we have not attempted to identify which author is counseling which client in all cases. All names and circumstances, however, have been fictionalized to protect privacy.

  Published in association with Yates & Yates, www.yates2.com.

  Interior design: Beth Shagene

  Printed in the United States of America

  Information about External Hyperlinks in this ebook

  Please note that footnotes in this ebook may contain hyperlinks to external websites as part of bibliographic citations. These hyperlinks have not been activated by the publisher, who cannot verify the accuracy of these links beyond the date of publication.

  To Henry and Louise Cloud

  and

  John and Rebecca Townsend,

  whose training in boundaries

  made a difference in our lives

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Acknowledgments

  Part One: What Are Boundaries? 1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life

  2. What Does a Boundary Look Like?

  3. Boundary Problems

  4. How Boundaries Are Developed

  5. Ten Laws of Boundaries

  6. Common Boundary Myths

  Part Two: Boundary Conflicts 7. Boundaries and Your Family

  8. Boundaries and Your Friends

  9. Boundaries and Your Spouse

  10. Boundaries and Your Children

  11. Boundaries and Work

&
nbsp; 12. Boundaries and the Digital Age

  13. Boundaries and Yourself

  14. Boundaries and God

  Part Three: Developing Healthy Boundaries 15. Resistance to Boundaries

  16. How to Measure Success with Boundaries

  17. A Day in a Life with Boundaries

  Notes

  Index

  Acknowledgments

  For the 1992 Edition

  Scott Bolinder and Bruce Ryskamp caught the vision for this book from the very beginning. They arranged for a retreat on Lake Michigan, where we passed this vision on to other Zondervan staff members.

  Sandy Vander Zicht directed the editorial process and, with Lori Walburg, fine-tuned the manuscript into a book that is more graceful, more precise, and easier to read and understand. Dan Runyon cut the book down to a manageable size.

  Dave Anderson translated this book into a video curriculum.

  Sealy Yates encouraged and supported us throughout the whole process, from contract to finished book.

  For the 2017 Edition

  David Morris, publisher at Zondervan, had the vision for an updated version of the book, and championed its development.

  Sandy Vander Zicht again directed the editorial process, and Christine Anderson skillfully helped us improve the content flow.

  Finally, twenty-five years after the book’s original publication, we are grateful to the many, many individuals we met along the way through conferences, radio and television programs, emails and letters, phone calls, and social media, who told us how Boundaries had impacted their lives. Thank you for taking the time to share your stories and for encouraging us in this next edition of the book.

  Part One

  What Are Boundaries?

  Chapter 1

  A Day in a Boundaryless Life

  6:00 a.m.

  The alarm jangled. Bleary-eyed from too little sleep, Sherrie shut off the noisy intruder, turned on the bedside lamp, and sat up in bed. Looking blankly at the wall, she tried to get her bearings.

  Why am I dreading this day? Lord, didn’t you promise me a life of joy?

  Then, as the cobwebs left her mind, Sherrie remembered the reason for her dread: the four-thirty meeting with Todd’s third-grade teacher. The phone call returned to her memory: “Sherrie, this is Jean Russell. I wonder if we could meet about Todd’s performance and his . . . behavior.”

  Todd couldn’t keep still and listen to his teachers. He didn’t even listen to Sherrie and Walt. Todd was such a strong-willed child, and she didn’t want to quench his spirit. Wasn’t that more important?

  Well, no time to worry about all that, Sherrie said to herself, raising her thirty-five-year-old body off the bed and padding to the shower. I’ve got enough troubles to keep me busy all day.

  Under the shower, Sherrie’s mind moved out of first gear. She began mentally ticking off the day’s schedule. Todd, nine, and Amy, six, would have been a handful even if she wasn’t a working parent.

  Let’s see . . . fix breakfast, pack two lunches, and finish sewing Amy’s costume for the school play. That will be a trick—finishing sewing the costume before the car pool picks her up at 7:45 a.m.

  Sherrie thought regretfully about last night. She’d planned to work on Amy’s costume then, using her talents to make a special day for her little girl. But her mother had dropped over unexpectedly. Good manners dictated that she play hostess, and another evening was shot. The memories of her attempts to salvage the time weren’t pretty.

  Trying to be diplomatic, Sherrie artfully told her mother, “You can’t imagine how much I enjoy your surprise visits, Mom! But I was wondering, would you mind if I work on Amy’s costume while we talk?” Sherrie cringed inwardly, correctly anticipating her mother’s response.

  “Sherrie, you know I’d be the last to intrude on your time with your family.” Sherrie’s mother, widowed for twelve years, had elevated her widowhood to the status of martyrdom. “I mean, since your father died, it’s been such an empty time. I still miss our family. How could I deprive you of that for yourself?”

  I’ll bet I find out how, Sherrie thought to herself.

  “That’s why I can understand why you don’t bring Walt and the children to see me much anymore. How could I be entertaining? I’m just a lonely old lady who gave her entire life to her children. Who would want to spend any time with me?”

  “No, Mom, no, no, no!” Sherrie quickly joined the emotional minuet she and her mom had been dancing for decades. “That’s not what I meant at all! I mean, it’s so special having you over. Goodness knows, with our schedule, we’d like to visit more, but we just haven’t been able to. That’s why I’m so glad you took the initiative!” Lord, don’t strike me dead for this little lie, she prayed silently.

  “In fact, I can do the costume any old time,” Sherrie said. Forgive me for this lie, too. “Now, why don’t I make us some coffee?”

  Her mother sighed. “All right, if you insist. But I’d just hate to think I’m intruding.”

  The visit lasted well into the night. By the time her mother left, Sherrie felt absolutely crazy, but she justified it to herself. At least I’ve helped make her lonely day a little brighter. Then a pesky voice piped up. If you helped so much, why was she still talking about her loneliness when she left? Trying to ignore the thought, Sherrie went to bed.

  6:45 a.m.

  Sherrie returned to the present. “No use crying over spilt time, I guess,” she mumbled to herself as she struggled to close the zipper of her black linen skirt. Her favorite suit had become, as many others had, too tight. Middle-age spread so soon? she thought. This week, I really have to go on a diet and start exercising.

  The next hour was, as usual, a disaster. The kids whined about getting out of bed, and Walt complained, “Why is it so hard to get the kids to the table on time?”

  7:45 a.m.

  Miraculously, the kids made it to their rides, Walt left for work, and Sherrie went out and locked the front door after her. Taking a deep breath, she prayed silently, Lord, I’m not looking forward to this day. Give me something to hope for. In her car, she finished applying her makeup at traffic stops. Thank the Lord for long red lights.

  8:45 a.m.

  Rushing into McAllister Enterprises where she worked as a human resources director, Sherrie glanced at her watch. Only a few minutes late. Maybe by now her colleagues understood that being late was a way of life for her and did not expect her to be on time.

  She was wrong. They’d started the weekly executive meeting without her. Sherrie tried to tiptoe in without being noticed, but every eye was on her as she struggled into her seat. Glancing around, she gave a fleeting smile and muttered something about “that crazy traffic.”

  11:59 a.m.

  The rest of Sherrie’s morning proceeded fairly well. A gifted advocate and problem solver, Sherrie was loved by the staff she served and a valuable asset to McAllister. The only hitch came just before lunch.

  Her desk phone rang. “Sherrie Phillips.”

  “Sherrie, thank goodness you’re there! I don’t know what I’d have done if you’d been at lunch!” There was no mistaking this voice. Sherrie had known Lois Thompson since grade school. Lois was thin-skinned, perpetually anxious, and seemingly always in crisis. Sherrie tried to make herself available to Lois, to “be there for her.” But Lois never reciprocated. When Sherrie occasionally mentioned her own struggles, Lois either changed the subject back to herself or had some reason to leave.

  Sherrie genuinely loved Lois and was concerned about her problems, but she also resented the imbalance in their friendship. As always, Sherrie felt guilty when she thought about her anger at Lois. As a Christian, she knew the value the Bible placed on loving and helping others. There I go again, she would say to herself. Thinking of myself before others. Please, Lord, let me give to Lois freely and not be so self-centered.

  Sherrie asked, “What’s the matter, Lois?”

  “It’s horrible, just horrible,” Lois said. “Anne
was sent home from school today, Tom was denied his promotion, and my car gave out on the freeway!”

  This is what my life’s like every day! Sherrie thought to herself, feeling the resentment rising. However, she merely said, “Lois, you poor thing! How are you coping with all of this?”

  Lois was happy to answer Sherrie’s question in great detail—so much detail that Sherrie missed half her lunch break consoling her friend. Well, she thought, fast food’s better than no food.

  Sitting at the drive-through waiting for her chicken burger, Sherrie thought about Lois. If all my listening, consoling, and advice had made any difference over the years, maybe it would be worth it. But Lois makes the same mistakes now that she made twenty years ago. Why do I do this to myself?

  4:00 p.m.

  Sherrie’s afternoon passed uneventfully. She was on the way out of the office to the teacher’s meeting when her boss, Jeff Moreland, flagged her down.

  “Glad I caught up with you, Sherrie,” he said. A successful figure at McAllister Enterprises, Jeff made things happen. Trouble was, Jeff often used other people to “make things happen.” Sherrie could sense the hundredth verse of the same old song tuning up again. “Listen, I’m in a time crunch,” he said. “I just emailed you a draft of my presentation for next week’s board meeting. All it needs is a little rewriting and editing. And I need to distribute it to the executive team for a preliminary review tomorrow. But I’m sure a quick turn will be no problem for you.” He smiled ingratiatingly.

  Sherrie panicked. Jeff’s “editing” needs were legendary. Sherrie anticipated a minimum of five hours’ work. I gave him all the data he needed for his presentation three weeks ago! she thought furiously. Where does this man get off having me save his face for his deadline?

  Quickly she composed herself. “Sure, Jeff. It’s no problem at all. Glad I can help. What time do you need it?”

  “Nine o’clock would be fine. And . . . thanks, Sherrie. I always think of you first when I’m in a jam. You’re so dependable.” Jeff strolled away.